Are you in a Codependent relationship?
Do you find yourself in a relationship where you are easily willing to make sacrifices for your partner´s happiness? Unfortunately you are not getting back much in return? If your behaviour is leading you towards this direction the good news is, this issue has not to last in your life anymore. There are many ways to exit a codependent behavior in relationships.
You can be in power to live your life again.
WHAT IS A CODEPENDENT RELATIONSHIP?
First of all it´s really important to become aware what a codependent relationship is. It´s a behavior pattern in relationships, where your self esteem depends on the recognition from the other one. Without the other person there would not be any kind of self esteem feeling available for you. This mechanism gives you the illusion as if you had self esteem and Identity. If the other person puts you down, you are effected by this opinion very bad and you crumble within. The same way you feel judged by your partner you put yourself down with your own very thoughts.There is no gut feeling for what is yours. The relationship with the partner is the wheelchair to carry on in your life. But it will never replace a functional relationship that you could have with yourself in becoming your own best friend.
Everyone can be affected by symptoms of Codependence. Studies say people who experienced emotional abuse or physical neglect are the ones who enter codependence. I don´t see it this way. My opinion is we live in a society which wants us to be Codependent in telling us it´s an act of love to be there for others instead of being selfish and thinking about what you really need. And in the end of the day, our society is so selfish itself, most people try to push their wants come what may.
What nobody realizes is the abuser and the one who is abused already live a Codependent relationship with each other. Society isn´t really interested in us becoming who we truly are. If we were truly who we are, people could´t control us anymore with mindsets of fear to get what they want out of it for themselves.
WHAT ARE THE CORE SYMPTOMS OF CODEPENDENCE?
There is this low self esteem feeling within. This unbearable feeling exists because other core symptoms are not addressed. Those are: not being capable to differentiate between our needs and wishes.
We all have needs even though we might not be aware of them. Basic needs are having enough to eat, feeling safe in the world, cloths, hygiene. These are needs every human being has in common. Lots of people don´t even think of those topics as their needs.
We all have the need to be with others to have an exchange. We need feedback from others. How do I radiate in the eyes of others? Does this match with my own very perception of myself? We all need to be seen.
On the other hand we have wishes. Which profession do I choose? Who is allowed to be my partner? I would adore traveling around the world. I look forward to buying this house , car, bike I´m dreaming of.
If we are not in contact with our own very needs, we can´t fulfill them. More and more we go into an emotional state of feeling"unwell"because we could not address those needs. Now we go for our wishes to compensate the lack of need satisfaction. It´s like a blind spot in our inner. I rather buy myself a new car to feel better than feeling this inner whole of darkness. Maybe I go into relationship with a wealthy man to blind out my fear of not having enough when I´m older even though I´m not in love.
But there´s one thing you can be sure about: everything in life has a price. Especially not becoming aware of your codependence. The truth is, you weaken yourself with these behavior patterns and your self esteem is belittled day by day. Your soul is hiding behind the mask of fear and not connected to the love that you truly are.
The suffering in being Codependent is connected to a disfunctional boundary system in relation to other people. Some Codependent are too much open to others, they let everyone in. They have no feeling for themselves, they think they are what others think of them. They give all love and attention to others. the wishes of others are priority. The impression of becoming one with the other person is giving a massiv high. The result is a poor me in the end of the day because it´s never enough what you give. All what you do is not enough to keep the person of interest attached to yourself. No healthy person is capable or even willing to stay in a Codependent relationship. The engulfment is very depressing and the other one has to leave to break free to have their own life again.
On the other hand there are Codependent who are creating walls around themselves. They are the opposite of the too much open ones. With this behavior noone can get through to them. Unfortunately they are not capable to create intimate relationships with people. The quality of life is low, based on non emotional connection and becoming stuck in the head.
Other Codependent find this very attractive in the first place. They have to try harder to get through to the person with walls. But this is nothing but a collection of negative behavior patterns that do not lead you to love and fulfillment. The two are trapped in the field of patterns.
There are some Codependent who have both. On some levels they are completely open like flowing tap water, on other levels shut down. This combination is the hardest.
WHAT IS THE SOLUTION?
The solution is simple.
All those negative behavior patterns that I have shown here in the examples do not belong to our true self. They belong to the world of the Ego. This Ego is not who you truly are. The behavior patterns are strategy from the Ego to survive traumatic experience from childhood or pre life time experiences that haven´t been addressed yet. Especially when you were young, there were no other coping mechanisms to handle the lack of love you have experienced by parents other caretakers.
I AM OKAY THE WAY I AM
This sentence we all haven´t heard quite often in our life. The truth is we all are completely okay the way we are. Others only made us believe we were not.
We have to go back to the true essence of who we truly are. The true self. Here there is no lacking of love. Nobody tries to manipulate another cause everyone is one and connected to his or her own very source. To be pushed from one side to the other side in being affected by the patterns of others does not exist in this world.
I invite you to this fabulous journey to the core of your true self. I have traveled this journey several times in my life and I adore being your guide till you reach your destination.
Do not put yourself down by your low self image the Ego creates for you every day. Life has much more to offer than judging yourself and having a crippled state of mind.
Thank you for the interest in my work.
Lots of love, Marc Altmann